Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize