I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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