I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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