Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
