Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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