I think I am morally bankrupt
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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