Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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