I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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