Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
