I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
