If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
