rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize