Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
