too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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