so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
