So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
