it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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