Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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