nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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