I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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