I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
