I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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