i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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