Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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