chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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