you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
