sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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