Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
