Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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