if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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