We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
