my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
