and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
