i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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