My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
