He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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