I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
im holly from the hills drunk
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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