Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
