You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she told me i tasted like america
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
