Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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