tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
