So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
