Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
