He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
