allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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