My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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