Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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