My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
