Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize