So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
