Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
