Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
