Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
