I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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