Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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