i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
