I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
