Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
