Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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