I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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