we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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