I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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