I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
