he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
