Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
