I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
